Grief
Growth & Development

DEALING WITH LOSS AND GRIEF

2021 is my first tangible experience with loss

 

The year just got started and it is already becoming abrupt.

A lot had happened these few weeks which I never imagined would happen and in many ways, I am still bewildered about it all.

Last year was shitty due to the coronavirus pandemic that affected the world making everyone remain at home just to be safe from the virus and the killings at the lekki toll gate that rose the saddened heart of Nigerian citizens.

I thought it was just going to end there and 2021 would be a fresh start for everyone to be able to kick off a new beginning, get back everything lost, and find amends in broken homes, relationships and properties.

But it became a bolt from the blue when I lost a friend – one who is so close to me, who supported me in almost everything, and always wanted to see me happy no matter what.

I have lost people in the past: elderly grandparents, distant uncles and aunts, people I knew from school and acquaintances, however, I didn’t feel the abounding weight of grief.

But this year, oh how it has broken me!

I can still recall getting the news of the passing of my friend on my way to lecture – Running so fast to my room just to hear myself screaming and weeping. For the first time, I didn’t care about who was looking at me or how my face was.

It was so hard to believe that the same person I spoke to a night before is gone. I couldn’t control myself.

The only thing that could come out of my mouth was ‘what happened because I spoke to him that night before going to bed and he said he was feeling better, I didn’t know that was goodbye.

I cried and cried till my voice was hoarse.  My heart was so heavy, I couldn’t hear myself think or do anything. I stayed on the floor mourning my friend until I finally got the strength, stood up, and laid on the bed not minding the class I was having that day or thinking about the ulcer I have which requires me to eat.

The year just turned into a roller coaster.

There are stories of people dying, which is something I  can’t escape no matter how hard I try, as they say, it is “inevitable”, and I fear I’m beginning to get used to it.

The response of shock when I got the news, still hasn’t left, watching closely with woe and overpowering consciousness of my own mortality. It fades away and returns to life.

Read this: FORGIVE WHEN IT’S HARD TO FORGET

I was waiting for a miracle to happen at the funeral knowing fully well that death is irreversible (But anything could happen) but I refuse to believe it was never true either I was dreaming or him just playing around. It’s just my mindset refusing to accept reality.

There is no such thing as sensitizes death, if there was/is we would be set to leave after we have said our last goodbyes to our loved ones.

We are at the beginning of the year and I am depleted and drained already.

I hope the story change now because I have no extra strength in my heart to carry horror, shock, and grief, for the year having no pity in its violence and anger has done enough.

 


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Life musings by Nigerian lifestyle and relationship blogger Nuella Igwe focusing on creative entrepreneur, life tips, career, relationship, travel, blogging tips, beauty and skincare.

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